i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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