Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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