I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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