I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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