Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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