i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
