I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
