At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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