she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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