I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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