i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Randomize
