listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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