They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize