Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
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