i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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