you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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