Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
