I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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