spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I wish you could order shots online.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
and you fell through a lawn chair
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
