My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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