What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
