The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
