Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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