I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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