I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
