well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
