Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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