Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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