umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
