shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
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