the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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