put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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