U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
