my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I'm really busy with my period
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