his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Couch. On fire.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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