just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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