Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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