I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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