Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
