just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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