I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
even my farts smell like vagina
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
