I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
