I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
