conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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