She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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