The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
