If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
