I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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