The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
We're too hungover to prance.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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