I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Is it penis luge time yet?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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