You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
