I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
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