I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
