Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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