He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
