god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
