well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
