I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
