I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
