He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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