Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
